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Sammy was our first real pet. We had a cat for a while but needed to find her a new home when we discovered our sweet Gracie made it hard for 3 yr old Allie to breathe. We tried fish and gecko’s and even a blue-tongued skink. We were terrible reptilian parents – abysmal – they lost toes. But Sammy was a love and the most wonderful first pet for us. I stopped into the pet shop just as a diversion for the kids one day. When I saw Sammy, fitting into the palm of my hand and … well, those eyes! I knew he was part of our family. He didn’t trigger Allie’s allergies. He fit snugly in most purses (though we didn’t transport him that way). He ran away at every opportunity. He was so small that no fence could keep him securely in the yard. He was wylie too! He had both grandmothers chasing after him at one point or another terrified that they would be the cause of the kids’ first real tragedy. So we had to tie him to a runner or keep him on a leash. But Sammy brought us joy.
Ryley came when the kids were a bit older. We went to the shelter thinking we would adopt an entirely different dog, a retriever. But when we met that golden dog he just didn’t fit with us. I brought him back to his cage losing hope that we would ever find a match. I walked around the shelter to find my husband, John, just squatting down watching this sad looking emaciated dog sitting quietly and longingly in his pen at the shelter. Ranger John didn’t say anything, just watched this skinny dog with soul capturing eyes. I looked in the cage questioning but then … those eyes. Ryely was part of the family.
We found Sammy and Ryley but Rosie – she found us. She was a spark of sweetness and slyness all wrapped into one. She had everyone – especially Ranger John – wrapped around her little paw. We loved her without limits but Rosie only had eyes for Ryely. We were all second fiddle to him.
We were blessed with Sammy for almost 16 years before we had to make a very hard decision, almost a year ago now – right before Thanksgiving. Eight months later in July, after 11 years as a member of our family, we lost Ryley. It seemed sudden to us but, without our knowledge, Ryely had been battling cancer and it was all throughout his body. I was able to take him to the beach just a few days before he died. I saw his heart and soul longing to chase the seagulls but his body wouldn’t accommodate. We took him to the vet and three short days later he was gone. Six weeks later, on September 1st, we lost Rosie to a tragic accident. All three beautiful souls lost within one year.
It’s been over two months since my last posting in August and I authored that blog post in July before we lost Ryely. When I started this blog a year or so ago, my intention was to only post on things that could inspire goodness and growth. In the last two months I have not written because I didn’t feel inspired. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t feel like I had anything to say that would enhance a reader’s experience through reading it. I didn’t think writing about such a sad thing could inspire anyone. But as I heal and continue living, it occurs to me that moving through grief is one of the most inspiring things to write about. My grief was for my pets and some may think that’s trivial, but I can assure you it was not. Those pets were so deeply a part of our family and their loss is still felt today. And loss is loss, whether it’s a pet or a job or a pregnancy or a parent or your home or … loss is loss and grief is grief. This post is therefore my simple reflection on the most important things to help move through grief.
#1 – Honor your grief
I have spent a lifetime bucking up and powering through. For many things that is a good approach. You do need to push yourself through difficult challenges to grow. But if you are truly grieving – that feeling that a piece of you has been torn from your heart or wrenched from your gut – don’t power through. If you are grieving, let yourself experience it. Honor the wonderfulness of what was lost. That thing that was important enough in your life to cause this type of pain. Honor it. Treasure it. Because to feel that pain means that you have also felt incredible love and true joy. Honor your grief, it is a blessing to have experienced something so wonderful that the loss of it causes you this pain.
#2 – Release it
Whatever it is that you have lost, you have lost it. It’s gone. Let it go. This is the hardest one, I think. If something was that beautiful to cause this type of pain we call grief, then we want it back! But the fact is, it’s gone. Release it. Let it go. The antidote to grief is life. You can’t live life if you are focused on what is no longer.
#3 – Remember
When you have been able to release that which you lost, don’t forget it. Don’t try to obliterate it from your mind. Bring back the memories as brilliantly as they were in the moment. Remember the joy. This one can be hard because you might just end up crying. That’s OK – go back to #1 and keep going. This thing called grief can be an iterative cycle. That’s OK. Still remember the joy.
#4 – Be grateful
Be grateful for the memories, of course. But more importantly be grateful for what still is. No matter what you have lost, there is most assuredly still many things in your life which still are. Pause. Be still. Close your eyes. Breathe in deeply through your nose. Hold your breath. Exhale. Open your eyes. What do you see? What is there that you are grateful for? Your home? Your reflection in the mirror? Your favorite swing? Whatever it is – just focus on that and be grateful. Over time you will find it easier and easier to see more things for which you are grateful. It’s a pretty amazing technique.
#5 – Trust in (Place your label for a higher being here)
I cannot state it any better than the quote that inspired this blog.
“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for the day.” – Abraham Lincoln
When grief overwhelms you; when you aren’t able to do any of the first four approaches, then just pray. Know that when you are down, the rest of us are there to hold you up – seen or unseen. Plain and simple. Live your life in trust. Do things with trust. Eat decadent food. Listen to music. Just live and know you are not alone. Trust.
I have made it through my grief, thanks to hours of praying, meditation, watching videos and looking at photos of our motley, mismatched dog family. I embraced my grief along with my faith to make it through. Some days I was alone and others I was in the Company of my family and good friends. Today I can remember my beautiful dog family with joy, and a little bit of sadness which I honor when I feel it … then I let it go, remember the joy, thank God for all that I still have and trust in life. The antidote to grief is simply life.